like steel encased in velvet

[brandywine28]

Some marvelous soul has compiled some of the most cringe-inducing lines from 'Fifty Shades of Grey'. My personal favorite: "I found some baby oil. Let me rub it on your behind."

Comments

[mickeym.livejournal.com]

Who the hell refers to their ass as their behind??

Oh, dude. I clicked the link you provided... and I'm. I. THIS is being professionally published? And made into a movie?? That's just painful to contemplate. And those bits of the book aren't helping. OW, MY EYES AND BRAIN.

What do I have to do to get Absinthe Makes into a movie? Jesus.

[trumpeterofdoom.livejournal.com]

I "acquired" it (not giving anyone money to read shitty Twilight fanfic repurposed into a "book"!) and have been reading this trainwreck. Oh. My. God. HOW IS THIS ACTUALLY GETTING PUBLISHED BY VINTAGE BOOKS?!

Not to mention the sex isn't even good and is extremely boring and repetitive. Also ALSO despite all the talk of "European soccer" and "British Literature" (what editor decides that this is an acceptable way of getting rid of Britishisms?!), there are still bits of British slang in there like "does what it says on the tin", "shouty", "rated me" (as in "thought highly of me") and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

KILL IT WITH FIRE.

[zebraljb.livejournal.com]

I don't think I'm anything special, but I KNOW I can write better than this...as can most of the fanfic authors I love and adore. REALLY?

Thanks for burning my brain. *glares at you*

[brandywine28.livejournal.com]

Seriously! And of course I can't speak for anyone else, but if some terse, mysterious businessman offered to rub baby oil on MY ass I'd launch myself from the room with such force I'd leave a me-shaped hole in the wall.

Oh god--if you made it past the third chapter you're a stronger woman than I. I bowed out somewhere around the fifth or sixth mention of Edward's 'unnerving green-eyed stare'. We get it! He's intense! Sheesh.

An Absinthe movie...Uh, don't mind me, I'll just be over here. Fantasizing.

[brandywine28.livejournal.com]

Ugh, please don't think I spent money on this dreck! Heaven forfend! I've been reading chunks of the original fanfic version that've somehow escaped the online purge; the characters are still called 'Edward' and 'Bella', which really puts everything into perspective, lemme tell you.

I'm can't believe all the Britishisms weren't corrected before publication! Didn't anyone bother to edit this thing? (I've studied 'British Literature' and I can assure you I've never referred to my ass as my 'behind' or used the phrase 'does what it says on the tin' or, well, any of it, really.)

I'll get the matches, you get the kerosene. :)

[brandywine28.livejournal.com]

So I'm guessing you don't want your 'very own Christian Grey flavor popsicle'? *smirks*

[eponymous.livejournal.com]

HOW IS THIS ACTUALLY GETTING PUBLISHED BY VINTAGE BOOKS?!

I'm assuming you might want an answer to this question and aren't just venting. (Though I would understand the vent!)

Publishing is in dire financial straits. Here's a novel with huge word-of-mouth and practically guaranteed sales, so yeah, somebody's going to leap on it. See also novels by Snookie, Nicole Richie, Lauren Conrad, Hilary Duff, etc. Nobody's publishing them because they're works of literary genius. They're publishing them because they sell.

I like to look at it this way: the more money publishers make, the more novels by unknown authors they can take a chance on. Though, more realistically: the more money publishers make, the less likely they are to go under next week. It's really bad out there, as I understand it.

[eponymous.livejournal.com]

I always feel a little sorry for authors when people cherry-pick lines like this, because it's easy to make something look stupid out of context. That popsicle line though? Oy. No good ever comes of comparing body parts to food.

And I kind of like this one: “Poor, f—ed up, kinky, philanthropic Christian.” My kind of character!

[trumpeterofdoom.livejournal.com]

I am into the second book of this monstrosity. I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M STILL READING IT.

[trumpeterofdoom.livejournal.com]

It was more of a vent. I just hate that drivel like this is actually getting mainstream recognition. Ugh.

[brandywine28.livejournal.com]

Oh, I know. I shouldn't be mocking this thing. It's bad karma all around; you won't hear me defending myself. What makes it even worse is that I'm horribly insecure about my own writing. I should know better! I DO know better! And yet...

Mainstream publication? A movie deal? For a mediocre spanking epic? Hot damn. There's just something about all this fuss that I can't stomach.

So that's the story. I'm catty and spiteful. Now you know. :)

[eponymous.livejournal.com]

They're going to make a movie of this? How? Isn't it wall-to-wall sex scenes?

I suppose the world is long overdue for another 9 1/2 Weeks or Wild Orchid.

[brandywine28.livejournal.com]

Maybe for the same reason Lindsey Lohan's career meltdown is considered headline-worthy? Trainwrecks are mesmerizing. :)

[brandywine28.livejournal.com]

HOW exactly they plan to turn this into a movie, I have no idea. But, yeah, it's happening. GIRD YOUR LOINS.