a dungeon full of Dungeness crabs

[brandywine28]

-- There's a bus stop ad for Magic Mike's Last Dance just down the street and my mother's newest thing is that whenever she passes it, she -- knowing nothing about the plot -- likes to yell out hypothetical reasons WHY it might be his "last dance": "He's facing a firing squad in the morning!" "An asteroid is about to hit Earth the exact shape and size of a male strip club!" "He was just elected mayor of that Footloose town!" And my favorite: "Salma Hayek's character is an evil taxidermist who wants him stuffed and mounted on her wall!"

So far there hasn't been a single idea I wouldn't pay to see in theaters.


-- I toured an apartment yesterday with a kitchen so narrow the refrigerator door didn't open all the way. Or even halfway. About six or seven inches, that's all I got. Same with the stove on the other side; it opened to about the length of my forearm before butting into the wall on the other side. Willy Wonka could not have designed this kitchen. And, okay, apartment hunting on a budget in a city that does not respect budgets? You're gonna see some stuff. I thought I already had! But holy hell!!

I guess it could work if I...what? Jerry-rig a very long set of pincer-type things out of some fondue forks and a rubber band? And hope to God every grocery I buy is pince-able?

Never, ever, ever use the fridge or freezer or stove? Invent a cutting edge room temperature diet for myself? (...tap water and goldfish crackers?)

Or, third option: just don't live there. Seems like the best idea. And yeah, I do realize how troubling it is that this wasn't my very first thought. I am aware.

I won't even tell you how much they wanted for the place. I will not burden you with that knowledge. It's just plain embarrassing. I'm embarrassed for all of us: them, for asking. Me, for considering it. Realty as a profession! The city of my birth for allowing this to happen! Just a medium-thick layer of shame spread over the entire freaking proceedings.

Oh, God. The worst part? It was the super who toured me around, a perfectly nice man who I know -- I know! -- is utterly powerless here. So I'm struggling with the freezer door, seeing how far inside I can fit my arm, possibly grunting a little as I try to pull it out again, and I turn to look at him and his face is RIGHT THERE. Big smile, too many teeth, the terrified eyes of a prey animal and he's like, "I know, right? Isn't it great??" And I was about to ask him if he was fucking serious, but then I realized I knew that look. I have retail experience. This man has been instructed to UPSELL. And I just -- I just felt so bad for him.

He knew the apartment sucked. He knew I knew it sucked. But it became my temporary mission in life to make sure I didn't, under any circumstances, LET ON that I knew it sucked.

So. I let him tell me a twenty five minute anecdote about his father in Ecuador. And then I let him show me the laundry room and the area where the recyclables go, fully knowing I wasn't gonna be putting in an offer. You'd think two, five, ten, twenty years of *wild, crazy-armed gesticulations* would've knocked the people pleasing out of me, but. You'd be wrong.

So that's how the Saga of the Skinny Kitchen ends -- with two idiots smiling creepily at each other and making painful chit chat about Ecuadorian football. I know. I was surprised, too.

Comments

[clevermanka]

How's feel like to live in a bleak humor sitcom?

[turps]

Having had the misfortune of seeing the new Magic Mike, I'd watch any of your mother's suggestions rather than the actual film again.

That apartment sounds horrific, but you're one in a million allowing the super to continue his sell despite both knowing it wasn't going to happen.

[clevermanka]

Oh dear... I was looking forward to it when it finally came to DVD. Did it not live up to MMXXL? What didn't you like?

[turps]

It wasn't a patch on MMXXL, which I loved a lot.

I talked about it on an unlocked post here if you want to read more. But to me, not having the other dancers/Mike's friends in the film ruined it. The other two films, especially XXL were very much about the group and their friendships and featured some incredible female characters. While this one was lacking on both of those fronts.

It just didn't work for me at all and I was disappointed about that as it was a film I was really looking forward to seeing, and went to see it on opening day.

Of course, others may think differently. But I've no wish to see it again and will just try to remember how great XXL was instead.

[clevermanka]

Thank you! Just read it and yeah I'll definitely give it a miss. How disappointing. The group dynamics and emphasis on women's agency and choice were the things I most enjoyed about the other films. Ah well. I appreciate your saving me time and some disappointment.

[brandywine28]

I saw your post mentioning how much you dislike the threequel! And now I feel bad for bringing it up, like I'm rubbing salt in the wound or something. I'm sorry! But you're right: at least we can still sit back and fondly imagine the Footloose crossover that will never be. They can't take that away from us.

Thank you for that. <3 Yeah, I'm either way too nice for my own good, or Ecuadorian football is much, much more interesting than I ever realized. (Spoiler: it isn't.)

[brandywine28]

I always thought I liked bleak humor! But bleak humor, it seems, does not like me.

I'm looking at another place tonight. If there's a toilet screwed onto the ceiling or whatever, so help me, I'm gonna start karate kicking holes in the drywall.

[clevermanka]

Bleak humor can be a lifesaver, but that's all it should be. A lifesaver. Not something you wear all the time.

[brandywine28]

WISDOM. Whoop, there it is.

[pensnest]

Please encourage your mother to envision further scenarios for Magic Mike's Last Dance, and convey them to us!

I suppose an apartment like that is just there to prod you into eating in local restaurants.......

[brandywine28]

I MEAN. I guess whoever takes that place is fated to become majorly friendly with the pizza delivery guy. (In a non-porno way. Or, hey, in a porno-y way; who am I to judge? At least the *bedroom* is big enough to fit two human bodies.)